Do you ever get that feeling like you are completely out of place? Like you don't belong? Sure everyone has had these feelings, for some it was called adolescence. Most teens go through a rough bout of the "I don't belongs".
But how about when you reach adulthood? Better still, your thirties, and still feel out of place? I know the reasoning why I do, but alas do you? Do you know why your are and feel, the way you do?
Perhaps as I explain why I am different, you might get some answers for yourself.
You see the divine have gifted me with the burden to heal others. Not physically mind you, I'm not a doctor or a nurse. I'm an empath. I feel things differently than most. No I heal the soul and in doing so, I lose pieces of myself.
People seek me out. Strangers tell me their life stories and confess their sins to me. It usually throws them for a loop and they always say the same thing, " I don't know why I just told you all that, I don't even know you". Well the thing is, something in their soul, their energy, recognized something in me. I try to help almost everyone who needs it from me. I give them a piece of myself to replace what they might be missing.
Sounds like a wonderful, beautiful thing yes? Not always, sometimes people only seek me out when they need something. Whether it be a word of comfort for a better insight. I don't mind usually.. but there are times when I'm not doing so well.. when the darkness closes in too tightly and I could use a helping hand. I don't seek it out anymore because I don't want to burden anyone with my darkness. Plus, truly there are only as handful of people who would in turn, help me.
I don't look to be fixed. My patchwork soul is my own. I have painstakingly stitched myself back together with good intentions and pretty colored lies. I can't be fixed. I've come to grips with that and I'm mostly ok.
It hurts sometimes.. to be the one sought out for help but only when they need it. Sometimes, it would be nice just to be thought of, to be missed, for just being me. Not because I help make the pain easier to bare or fix it altogether. It would be nice to have some of those I've helped reach out just to see how I'm doing instead of with a problem.
I know its not the way and honestly only think this way when I'm swallowed by the darkness. Though its in that darkness I could really use a hand. I don't invite anyone in. Never really have. I have a handful of people who know and love me, all parts of me. The darkness included. However, when it closes around me and I fall back into the pit of hopelessness.. I don't reach out. Because I'm not fixable. I don't want to be. I'm at peace with my demons, mostly.
So that's what makes me different. If any of this rings true to you, then welcome to the club. Its not for everyone. There are ways to shield and block.. ways to say no. Ways to help without giving up pieces of yourself in the process.
I however can't help it. I'm one who loves quickly and vastly. I find beauty in the broken things. I love easily and I love many. If I let you into the darkness, a part of me loves you. I can't control it, nor would I want to. Take care when you tread upon this uneven ground, for you are walking on the shattered pieces of my soul. While your there though, could you hand me that string?
