Divine Powers My Arse

Do you ever get that feeling like you are completely out of place? Like you don't belong? Sure everyone has had these feelings, for some it was called adolescence. Most teens go through a rough bout of the "I don't belongs".


But how about when you reach adulthood? Better still, your thirties, and still feel out of place? I know the reasoning why I do, but alas do you? Do you know why your are and feel, the way you do?


Perhaps as I explain why I am different, you might get some answers for yourself.


You see the divine have gifted me with the burden to heal others. Not physically mind you, I'm not a doctor or a nurse. I'm an empath. I feel things differently than most. No I heal the soul and in doing so, I lose pieces of myself.


People seek me out. Strangers tell me their life stories and confess their sins to me. It usually throws them for a loop and they always say the same thing, " I don't know why I just told you all that, I don't even know you". Well the thing is, something in their soul, their energy, recognized something in me. I try to help almost everyone who needs it from me. I give them a piece of myself to replace what they might be missing.


Sounds like a wonderful, beautiful thing yes? Not always, sometimes people only seek me out when they need something. Whether it be a word of comfort for a better insight. I don't mind usually.. but there are times when I'm not doing so well.. when the darkness closes in too tightly and I could use a helping hand. I don't seek it out anymore because I don't want to burden anyone with my darkness. Plus, truly there are only as handful of people who would in turn, help me.


I don't look to be fixed. My patchwork soul is my own. I have painstakingly stitched myself back together with good intentions and pretty colored lies. I can't be fixed. I've come to grips with that and I'm mostly ok.


It hurts sometimes.. to be the one sought out for help but only when they need it. Sometimes, it would be nice just to be thought of, to be missed, for just being me. Not because I help make the pain easier to bare or fix it altogether. It would be nice to have some of those I've helped reach out just to see how I'm doing instead of with a problem.


I know its not the way and honestly only think this way when I'm swallowed by the darkness. Though its in that darkness I could really use a hand. I don't invite anyone in. Never really have. I have a handful of people who know and love me, all parts of me. The darkness included. However, when it closes around me and I fall back into the pit of hopelessness.. I don't reach out. Because I'm not fixable. I don't want to be. I'm at peace with my demons, mostly.


So that's what makes me different. If any of this rings true to you, then welcome to the club. Its not for everyone. There are ways to shield and block.. ways to say no. Ways to help without giving up pieces of yourself in the process.


I however can't help it. I'm one who loves quickly and vastly. I find beauty in the broken things. I love easily and I love many. If I let you into the darkness, a part of me loves you. I can't control it, nor would I want to. Take care when you tread upon this uneven ground, for you are walking on the shattered pieces of my soul. While your there though, could you hand me that string?

Sugar we're going down swinging

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

                               -Robert Frost

Today was just doomed to failure before I opened my eyes. Of this I am certain. Not saying it was a bad day. Actually it was rather enjoyable, but alas... it was doomed. As I sit munching on a powdered doughnut, little birds choice, I reflect back on the day and can almost see the pattern.

It started shortly after nine this morning. After hubby left with the father in law to get fire wood. With as cold as its been I was more than grateful and eager to send hubby on his merry way. He, however, was not as thrilled at the prospect of freezing his balls off. Then the boys decided today they would start their day off with fighting.. well the youngest two. The oldest still had yet to grace us with his sarcastic presence. After settling the matter of how long until little Bird could have his turn on the computer and explaining for what seems like the 20th million time to Moose the quid pro quo's of fairness I was finally able to drink my now cold cup of coffee.

As I pounded back the mug like a schooled spring breaker I hear Chino, our very elderly pittbull hacking up what I assume must be his intestines. Fortunately for both parties involved it was just a crap load of foam. Seething I eye him evilly as I scrub up the mess.
"Why dude.. why do you insist on eating snow? Seriously dude, lets recount what happens shall we? You eat snow, lots of snow...then you turn around and freeze burn your throat therefore it must eject said snow, in the form of this crap.. all over my rug." As I scold him, Chino refuses to maintain the I'm Innocent routine by looking anywhere but at me.

After ten I ask my oldest if he plans on getting out of bed. From his room I hear a faint whine.

"I can't.. my head hurts, my body hurts, my tummy hurts." I head back to his room to perform the mom fever check. Sure enough he's burning up. It's like touching a furnace.

Shitballs.

Once we start to get the fever under control I have to run to the store. Food is needed in my household and since the oldest is sick, I'll be taking Little Bird to the store with me. I treat him to riding up front in his big boy booster seat and we sing on the ride in. He wants to hold my hand when we pull into town. I explain our trip, first to Safeway and then we hit Super One on the way home. We took our time, because frankly if you have ever shopped with a toddler, you understand there is no need to explain this. We had a pleasant even lovely time shopping and goofing off. By the end though I was getting a slight twinge in my neck and head. 

When we returned home, we put away the groceries while the headache that was just a twinge became a roar. Moose was beginning to be annoyingly clingy and Little Bird whinny with hunger. I took care of both of them and noticed the dishes that needed to be done.. again. I swear its never ending. To be completely honest, I can turn around right now and do you know what I will see in the sink? Fucking dishes. Sigh.. its my kryptonite.

Anyway.. the day went down hill the rest of the way from there. I was supposed to hang out with my bestie, which kept me going through the day, but sadly.. like every time we make plans.. t'was not to be. Literally we can not make plans because 9 out of 10 times, they fall through. Yet we continue to try. That's love people.

Then there was the hair dye incident. Don't get too excited, it actually turned out fairly decent.. or well, I can make it work. I needed to dye my hair and so with part of my gift card from my ma, I decided to get some. Hubby wanted to pick. So I thought, hell no one sees me anymore anyway why the hell not. Blue-Black. I am not kidding you. He chose a decent, even pretty shade. It arrived in the mail today and I couldn't wait to cover my greys and fix my trailer trash roots. Well, it didn't turn out quite like I thought it would.

My hair took an ombre effect. All of my new growth, my roots.. turned a deep dark brown.. then it fades to my tips which had no problem taking the color. At first, before it dried, I immediately thought it didn't work at all. However, once dried the color is workable and looks intentional.

Now here I sit, Grinch pajama's and naked faced, tucked in at the computer as my hubby and my brother sit in my living room dominating my television nerding out to Madden 17. Doomed. This day just wasn't supposed to work. I accept it and I'm going to let it go. Tomorrow is another day right?

Changing the world, one smirk at a time

Fear not my dear readers, I have not already abandoned my promise to write. Honestly, I just have been writing in an actual journal. Venting is more like it. I refuse to hold onto negative thoughts, therefore I've been purging them. I don't want to fill my blog with them either. Though from time to time it will happen. After all, I'm bipolar.. Life isn't sunshine and rainbows all the time. I can't even pretend some days.


Today isn't one of those days thankfully.. though its not a day for rainbows either. Gods its cold outside. Just shy of noon and its only 4 degrees out there. Which lately, is damn near warm. I'm not a person for the cold. With my disease, the cold is my enemy. My joints are locked up, skin is super sensitive today as well. Which means, touching is just short of torture.


My children are feeling it too. Its too cold to let them play outside and frankly they are getting bored. How can I tell? They are fighting more. Usually a sure sign of boredom in the Reed household. I love my boys, I truly do.. I just wish they would give it a rest before I decide to duct tape them to the hallway wall. I'm thinking directly across from each other so that they can make faces at each other.


I'll hold off on doing so. For the moment at least. Hubby also seems to be having a rough go today. He's ultra crabby about pretty much everything. I, myself, have had such days so I get it. However, his mood effects mine so I'm hoping he can improve it.


Not a lot has been going on in my little world. Lots of fighting between the boys and hissy fits about not getting something. The animals in my little world are also testing all of our patience. Echo, my mostly outside cat, has took it upon herself to keep marking her territory.. on my kitchen stove. DISGUSTING!
So she's been banned outside. Following this unforgivable act, Luna (whom belongs mostly to my oldest) has decided to take a squat on our wood pile inside the house.. another cat thrown into the cold. I mean seriously? We have 2 freaking litterboxes! Both of which I cleaned yesterday. Meanwhile, Bast, the cat who we got to help our littlest get over the loss of my familiar.. she's just sitting up by the food looking down on all this like " could you both be any more daft? Its freezing out!"


Sigh, tempers seem to be running hot today and personally I'm ready to sneak off into the bedroom and binge watch some Heartland. I'm a sucker of that show because I've always wanted to own a ranch and work with rescue horses.. If anyone knows of a job opening in that department, hit your girl up!


I would literally kill for a Pepsi today. I need the caffeine as I'm fighting a nasty headache, going on day three now.. yesterday was not a good day for me. The headache was so bad I couldn't stand without throwing up and blacked out twice. Both of which was near my toddler whom thought mommy is funny when she just slides to the ground like Jello. Little bird would pat my hair and when I looked at him, smile as tell me, "good job mom". I needed the encouragement I suppose and he's right.. it was a good job. I felt it coming on and would rest my back against a surface.. so I literally would slide down like a puddle of goop.


Trust me when I say, this is an improvement.


The dishes are calling to me, those whiney dirty bastards. I despise doing dishes. Almost as much as I despise folding clothes.. almost. I know I need to get into cleaning mode. However, I also got my books in the mail yesterday.. well I got 5 of 8. Part of my Christmas present from my mommy. She bought me an eBay gift card and books where just some of my purchases. All from Nora Roberts. She's my favorite author. She has this way of wrapping you into the stories and characters.


I could put off the dishes a tad bit longer and sink into someone else's world for awhile. The adult in me keeps nagging that if I get it done now, I won't have to stop reading to start cleaning. That bitch has a valid point. I hate when she has a valid point.


Well my darlings, I assure you my next post will be more interesting. Perhaps I'll do some creative writing, or post a poem.


Ok, ok.. I hear you dishes! Man I need to clean their mouths out.. such dirty dirty things they are..

Until the next page. Be well, Be positive... most importantly, Be YOU!

Let Us Begin

This is it my friends. The beginning of our year of change. Of growth. Of AWESOMENESS. So... let us begin.


                                                            2017!


I can't be the only person who feels like this year is going to be a good one. I am determined to send out only positive into the universe. I can tell you, this isn't going to be easy for a realist like myself. I don't see the black or white, rather shades of grey. For this year however, I'm going to strive to see only in color.


Today was a good start of the year. Allow me to elaborate:
I am a mother of three boys, all two years apart. Currently my Demon is 7, my Moose is 5 and my sweet little bird is 3. Little bird was battling icky fever germs all night so it was surprising when at 11:46p he decided to join our little party. We had spent until that point playing board games, laughing and sipping on sparkling cider. My sweet boys got to watch the ball drop and say hello to the New Year.


This morning everyone decided that we would sleep until 10:30! I was expecting to have to get up at 6 at the latest so I was pleasantly surprised at getting to sleep in.


I decided last night that since I have such a good feeling about this year I would set a few life goals. Nothing too altering just some things I know that I can do as long as I keep on track.


1.) I plan to yell less and laugh more. So far, in the first 20 hours and 37 minutes into 2017 I've done a fairly impressive job.. at least if my goal was to laugh like a loon when I get angry and have my kids slowly back away and race from the room throwing concerned glances over their shoulders. Little bird insists on laughing with me.


2.) I plan to stress less about things I can not control. There is no point in it.. and all I ever achieve from this is making myself sick. I have enough health issues without giving myself a push in that department. Instead I'm going to live in the moment more. The dishes can wait, my kids however are going to grow up regardless if the kitchen is clean right at this moment. They won't, however, always want to play Lego's or a board game. I need to remember that somethings can wait.. others can't.


3.) My last goal for 2017, focus on my health. I need to stop thinking I can do things I shouldn't or are no longer able to. I need to take care of myself. Which means getting the answers I need to take the steps needed for a healthier me. Now, let me just throw this out there for those who don't know me. I am NOT going on a diet. I am already losing weight at a fast enough rate that concerns some.. I don't plan on increasing said rate. I will be doing yoga as much as possible. I want to tone and stretch. Plus, it helps so that I am able to move in the mornings.
I'm going to be getting my MRI in February and getting the answers needed. Find out if it is indeed MS as the doctors think or something else. I was diagnosed two, soon to be three, years ago with fibromyalgia. Over the last year though, I've been getting symptoms that don't match up. So, since money was impossible it felt, getting the answers was too far out of reach. I refuse to think that was this year. So first chance I get, which will be when we receive our tax credits, I will be scheduling my appointment and getting my brain scanned. I'm just hoping to get dinner afterwards. 


Well, those are my goals. I know I know.. not very life altering or on the road to self awareness or something, but its what I need at this time. I just feel like everything else will fall into place. What are some goals you've set?


I'm going to start writing more this year. I promised myself I would do my very best to write at least once a day. So I've been playing with the idea of a blog for some time now. I finally gave myself the push needed. Please feel free to leave me ideas for things you might want me to blog about. If I use your idea I'll give you a shout out. 


I'll be posting some poetry and creative writing now and again too. Not just blogging about my insane life. I promise you, my readers, no matter what my writing matter, you will not be bored. 


Tomorrow is another day my darlings. Until the next page of this journey together. Let us begin..


                                                                                     XOXO